I’m going to stick it to the façade.
Lately, and since Leo was born, Cameo has read several books on helping babies to sleep. This has helped somewhat, but I think it has done more harm than good. She has also commented on the superficial and optimistic nature of many people’s blog posts and Facebook profiles asking, “Are people’s lives really all nice and good and easy like they so often portray?” All of this has caused her to have often unrealistic expectations about Leo and being a full-time mom. It has been tough. Leo hasn’t learned to fall asleep on his own, wakes up twice during the night, and rarely takes naps longer than 45 minutes. Cameo also worries about me and taking care of me while trying to figure out and take care of Leo (which she does so well and I am often less grateful than I should be for her efforts).
For me, being in graduate school hasn’t been easy. Okay, graduate school itself hasn’t been incredibly hard, but it has been demanding (I am really enjoying it actually). The overall challenge is, however, balancing my life. Follow me here: At school, I hear all sorts of people saying things like “You need to make sacrifices in order to get the job you want in the future.” I could probably spend at least 12 hours at school every day (some days I actually do) in order to “get ahead” so that I can be competitive for jobs in the future. This requires me to spend less time at home and with my “Eos” (Cameo and Leo). However, my overall purpose in going to school is so that I can take care of my Eos. How does that work? I neglect Cameo and Leo in order to provide for them? And I’m even studying marriage and family! What am I then really providing for them? Should I spend more time at home to strengthen my relationships with my Eos now and consequently not do as well in school and risk not getting the ideal job in the future (which might make it so that I have to be away at home more than desired)? This is the dilemma that I have been feeling lately and it’s only weighing heavier as time goes on.
There have been times when both of us have felt neglected due to the demands on us.
I’m not writing this in order to get any sympathy or so that anyone feels bad for us but just to stick it to the façade and say that life is truly, really hard sometimes and that we make plenty of mistakes every day. Take that pretentious Facebook, sleep books, and all you too happy bloggers!
That being said, life is still sweet and we have both been drawn closer together as we look for the best ways of learning and growing and handling each situation and demand and challenge. Honestly, I can’t think of anyone that I would rather experience life with than Cameo. The Lord is still so good to me.
19 comments:
Hey Man,
To be honest, I don't really read that many blogs, but I do appreciate your honesty nonetheless. Also, when I actually speak to people who have young children I would say the general consensus is similar to what you guys are experiencing as way of sleep troubles. I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulties, but I am glad you are enjoying grad school even if it is demanding. Ever since the mish balance has always been the hardest thing. So I greatly sympathize. Anyway good luck man nice to have an update.
-Sam Shannon
PS. I would have just edited my first comment but apparently that wasn't an option.
Allen,
Thanks for sharing this. You've described really well the thoughts and feelings I've experienced for the past few months. Sometimes the demands on our time are impossible to meet. Between family, law school, career planning, and a demanding calling, I feel the weight all the time. I can only imagine what it will be like to have a child in the mix.
My conclusion is that it's best to err on the side of being with family, since that's our foremost immediate responsibility, and to hope and pray that the Lord will provide us with strong careers and open doors in the future. I wish you guys the very best, because you are such amazing people.
- Jeff
p.s. I wish I could lecture Leo about Swedish past participles--that always seemed to put my missionaries right to sleep.
I agree that life is tough. It is hard to be a stay at home mom to a young baby or toddler, and Aaron has talked about facing the same kinds of struggles as a PhD student. However, sometimes when a blog comes across as being façade-like, the blogger may just be trying to accentuate the positive. I don't try to make my blog unrealistic or untruthful, (and sometimes I do blog about the really hard parts of being a mom), but my blog might fall in the category of being "too happy", mainly because I rarely blog about the annoying and difficult things that happen. I don't know if Cameo reads my blog, but I'm sorry if it's one that created false expectations. You're right about the importance of keeping things real, but I think I blog the way I do because it's the good stuff that I want to remember. Olivia was a terrible sleeper when she was Leo's age, but once she was 4 months, we let her cry it out and learn how to sleep and then she did great (when she wasn't sick or teething--those things stink too). It's hard with really young babies because they don't have the ability to self-soothe yet. And some babies have a hard time even when they are older, but most will learn to sleep with time. Tell Cameo that it does get a lot better once they start sleeping through the night. Good luck to both of you!
Great big hugs to you guys. Each child brings with them their own difficulties and their own struggles. Some don't sleep, some cry all the time, and some, like Lilly don't feed or eat well, thus making everything harder. The beginning is always the hardest! It does get better. I can't even remember when exactly it was that things got better with Abbi and Charlie, but they are great sleepers now. Life is hard. For me, postpartum is the hardest part of life I have ever faced, 3 times over! But given time, things get better, somehow, someday! I wish I was still right upstairs to take Leo for a while, and give Cameo, and you a big hug. I miss Cameo so much. It would be fun to have such a good friend close by when our babies are so small. Just know, as I keep reminding myself, things will get better, but maybe not today. :) -Kendra
Robert just turned one--and he just started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago. I remember feeling just like you guys do now--reading lots of books, trying lots of different things, being sad/discouraged/frustrated when Robert was still a horrible sleeper. And wanting to punch all parents of great sleepers in the face. :) BUT--like Kendra said, the best thing to remember is that things DO get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they do. So for now, if Cameo has to forgo keeping the house super clean so that she can sleep when Leo naps (and stay sane in the process), so be it. You get the idea.
Little Leo is darling! Thanks for posting so many pictures of him. It's fun to see you cute little man.
Janie
Rich and I have had this same discussion many times and we still don't have any answers, even now that we are almost done with school. I agree with your friend Jeff to err on the family side, although that really isn't always possible. Leo will get better and you both will eventually get some sleep, but probably not much more! ;) You guys are amazing!
I completely understand this. I agree with Celisa, I blog about the positive things because that's what I want to remember and focus on--and it gives me a little sunshine to look for in each day, to find something funny or wonderful to blog about--because there is so much about life that is funny or wonderful, but many times, far too many times, it's only amidst the difficult times too and it's hard to see.
Adjusting to a new baby is so hard! We read "On Becoming Babywise" and ran with it from the beginning--it was helpful to have some kind of guideline to help us, but many many many times, Cameron wasn't sticking to the guideline I was expecting. As he got older and older he stuck to it more and more and more. It definitely gets easier-not sure if its the actual situation has changed, or that our ability has increased....either way, I would just encourage the idea to ENJOY these moments now--as difficult as they may be. I was thinking back about this the other day--I can't go back and experience Cameron's younger days, his days of bad sleeping and all. I am so glad that I wrote in my journal and in his baby book throughout though, and that really helped me to see the joy in the everyday living, and has been a blessing for me now to go back and read how things were--and to write how things are now.
Stay close to the Gospel, and be diligent in all the things that need to be done--I'm thinking about you guys!!
I already wrote a very long-winded message to Cameo on Facebook about our kids sleeping experiences. If she wants to, she can throw everything I said out the window, especially because I recommended another baby book, which, I agree, sometimes just makes you feel worse about the situation.
Sometimes I wonder if we would be better accepting our babies as they are instead of trying to mold them into the ideal baby from the baby books, at least for those first several months.
Also, Jacob has been a student our entire marriage, almost five of those years with kid(s), with many more years of being a student to come. As a mom and wife of a student, I know how happy I am to see Jacob be involved and excel in a field of study that he loves. It requires a lot of him, but I'm happy to support him, even on those days when I feel a little like a single mom. I've never doubted that we, as his family, came before his schooling/career.
I agree with the wise women who already said, it DOES get better. I read many books, including babywise but as for sleeping I recommend Healthy Sleep Habbits Happy Baby (or happy child, i don't remember). We used much of what it recommended with Van and he is a great sleeper. I promise Leo WILL sleep better eventually. Van wasn't ready to self sooth and sleep train until about 5 months. It's amazing when they do start sleeping through the night (and consequently you do too) it's like you come out of a fog and feel like yourself again. If you ever need to vent or have a fellow mom to comiserate with you can always call me Cameo! I would love to talk to you anyway!
All babies take their own time deciding when they want to sleep...He will get it though! :) In the meantime -for Cameo- I used to think of something fun I could do when I was up in the night, like watching a movie or reading a book that I could only do during that time. It kinda helped me know that I had something fun to do while being awake.
We love you guys!
Having been in a family ward for a grand total of 6 months now, I'm tempted to believe that women are way more honest about mothering in Relief Society than they are on their blogs. Sometimes mommy blogs are the worst.
As for balance - you can do it! I have no practical tips on how but plenty of sympathy. You're the man, Allen! You can do it!
Good to read a bit of an update on your life Allen!
I hear all the time about friends' babies who sleep extremely well - here I am with my 3 year old still waking up a couple times a night (and that's excellent for her), and we went through every sleeping strategy in all the best books. Not to mention there couldn't be a more consistent, disciplined wife than mine when it comes to training them right. They are who they are when it comes to sleep, and though parenting matters, I believe it does little in many cases to change a baby's sleep habits. There is no one trick cures all, despite what those with "perfect" babies might be tempted to believe.
Just keep on treading ahead. My experience with grad school has been similar in some ways, (and I too lean towards more family time than some others do), but I think it's an excellent preparation for what the rest of life will be like. Best of luck with everything! Hilsen.
- Solomon Campbell
Life is tough. You are right! But it's remembering the good times (that so many of us, including me, post on our blogs and facebook) that gets us through the hard and challenging times. Getting the baby to sleep through the night is no easy task. Actually, parenting as a whole is hard, period. There were a lot of tears, prayers, and many sleepless nights before Heather ever learned to sleep through the night. The best thing I ever did was to pray (ok, pour out my heart) to Heavenly Father to ask what to do. I had studied lots of books, and tried lots of methods, but it wasn't until I told God everything and plead for help(several times) that we finally found something that worked for us. Guess what? It wasn't a method from any book that I had read, but a mixture of several, and it was tailored to fit Heather and me precisely. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't handed to me on a golden platter, but took hard work and lots of faith and prayers.
I totally agree with Joanna, I think as mothers we feel like our child has to be the "ideal baby" so we try and try to make them "ideal." The truth is, there is no such thing, and we need to help our kids be who they are. There is no one better fit to help us in that task than God. He know us and our children better than we do. Put your faith and trust in Him. He will help. He has to. :)
Good luck with Grad-school. We totally understand your situation! Someday we will all be done and what a happy day it will be. But I am pretty sure life will still be tough. :) It's easier said than done, but try to remember the good times when life gets hard! Love you guys!
You are 100% spot on, Allen. Life is hard, especially with a new born and going to school. Having a child is a MAJOR life adjustment, and the best of parents really, really struggle, too.
I believe blogs do create feelings of competition, comparing, getting down on yourself for things not looking perfect, etc. I feel it, too. I just don't have the heart to post our worst of days, or even our not so good days on our blog because it makes me feel bad. It's like I feel I'm going to hurt my kids' feelings if I write about how hard motherhood is. But, it is! It's so hard.
Cameo, you are a WONDERFUL mom. I can tell that from hundreds of miles away. The fact that you care so much about your child to read those books and worry about it shows you're a good mom.
My best advice is, Heavenly Father gave His child to YOU. He has given YOU the prerogative to take care of His, and your, child. No matter what the books say, you know best. Ask Him and He will help you. And if you can't get your baby to do what you want He'll give you the patience to deal with it.
:)
Hey, we're all in it together . . .
This post SO reminds me of our feelings when Easton was born. He also was not a good sleeper (never more than an hour at a time day and night) and Jared was busy doing rotations for Pharmacy school so his "help when he can" was few and far between. He wanted to relax when he got home and I felt like I needed him to take over so I could catch a break. And 3 of these early months in Easton's life, we were not living at home (rotations kept us traveling) Definitely hard.
Part of it comes down to plain old perseverance. One day, you will sleep again so look forward to that day. In the meantime, I can send you the sleep routine that worked wonders for us if you're interested. We went from Easton not sleeping for 5 months of his life, to him sleeping comfortably through the night and taking regular naps in a matter of days! Miracles do happen.
But don't be too discouraged. It is really hard at times and everyone experiences these hard times whether they're willing to vent on their blog or not ;o).
As for advice for you? Work hard when you have to put in those sacrifices because it really is only a short time. But when you have the time to play, play to the best of your ability!
You guys seem great! I think Cameo is one of the happiest people I have ever met. I think having a baby is tough--and every baby is so different. Good luck to you two!
Becky
Oh Allen and Cameo. I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING you are going through. God directed me to go to graduate school in 2008, I jumped onthe gun since we weren't able to have children for the first 5 years of our marraige. 3 weeks into the program God gave us a baby. I went bakc to Him and he said "congratulations I want you to do both". WHAT?? That's not traditional mormon talk. But hey, God is THE mormon so whatever.
School was difficult (espeixally since Jake was still in school).l Jasmine too did not sleep through the night. She was 13 months old before she did that and she still needs me to be in the room with her to calm her down for 30 mins before she falls asleep. Anywho God blessed us with another child in the process and God still wants me to finish my degree. HEnce, I will not be the first pic for jobs. I didn't get to go to conferences and make posters or attend whatevers. I thought it would get easier since Jake got a job. Nope, his job takes him 2 weeks at a time across 2 states and I am a single mom. Ever try to put 2 babies to bed at once? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I just wanted to let you know that all the worry, all the tears and frustration is normal but not worth it. I am doing what the Lord wants me to be doing. End of story. He will bless me with what my family needs at all times so long as I am doing my best where and how he wants me to do it. I know this to be true for you guys too.
You guys are awesome. You guys are solid. You guys are righteous. And you are just plain lovely and I love you. The Lord will help you be the graduate student, father, husband, mother, and wife you need to be.
I Loooooooooooove you guys! Keep up the great work.
I think taking it one day at time is best. The days are long and hard (many of them with Dad gone) but the weeks and months still go by quickly. The Lord will guide you to make the best choices...even if it doesn't make sense to neglect your school work or to neglect your family. You'll do some of both...it is part of being a parent who is in graduate school. In Brad's first year of dental school we had our second little boy (14 months after the first!) and now that they are 2 and 3 we are still re-evaluating all the time. Brad did discover that even if he doesn't get an "A" he'll still be able to be employed but that isn't true for everyone. Hang in there...
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