How Quickly I Forgot

The last few weeks of my pregnancy have been pretty difficult. I have felt really weak and sick in the mornings, backaches throughout the day, and restless sleep. I was really having a hard time with it. One night Allen and I started talking about this last month of pregnancy. He reminded me that yes this last month might might be hard on my body, but this is what we prayed for... the blessings of Sabey Baby outweigh the difficulties of what may come. I just realized how quickly I forgot the trial of infertility. How quickly I forgot the heartache month after month, year after year of not being pregnant. All I ever wanted was to be a mother and to not have that opportunity seemed so devastating. How quickly I forgot some our dear friends and family who want so badly to have children and they too haven't been given that opportunity. There I was complaining when I realized that they would give almost anything to have this kind of backache. Because of our previous infertility, I don't know how many times I am going to be able to get pregnant. I realized that I need to enjoy and cherish every kick, every restless night, and the awkward belly in front of me. We are so excited for Sabey Baby to come. We just began our ninth month. This is it! Our dear friend Shelly took these fabulous family pictures for us. Thanks Shelly. (The pictures might have been about a month ago. You may not see many more belly shots after these at 32 weeks.) For our dear friends and family.... I had a hard time for a long time. Maybe not to the same extent, but we understand a small portion of the waiting, the hoping, the disappointment, the frustration, the sadness, the loneliness, the optimism...

We pray for you every night. I am sorry I was so selfish in forgetting... we are all mothers... you are a mother.

Lessons Learned from Substituting

• Kids are basically the same everywhere.. there are jocks, there are kids who pick their nose when they think no one is looking, there are the girls that are sweet and helpful and the girls who look sweet but are mean, there are the class clowns and the flirts and the good kids and the kids that make you glad you are a teacher. Yep... kids are essentially the same everywhere.
• Sub plans are usually very very boring
• Learning student names help a lot
• Utah class sizes are ridiculous (I had one teacher say, "this class is a little rough because it's large." There were 21 students in that class. My average class size in Utah was 38.)
• I wonder if Alabama was affected by the recession... Small class sizes... every student has a laptop
• Is it normal for every student to have a laptop?
• It feels good to be in a classroom. I belong there
• It feels awkward to be a in a classroom that isn't mine
• Knowing how to run a classroom and manage kids helps when you are a sub
• I don't care too much about the sub lesson because for the most part I can tell the teacher doesn't either. They just needed something to keep the kids busy. So I do the plan... but I let them talk or I let them write notes... they are happy and I am happy
• I don't like it when the students say, "yes Ma'am" because the students that do are those Eddy Haskells.. the students that are polite on the outside but are really mischievous.
• Being pregnant helps me look older. Other teachers realize that I am the sub... not a transfer student.
• I realized I should have done more book work when I taught. It is a good skill and it is a good activity for a sub but if you don't do it regularly, then it won't work with a sub. (Ashely, Allsion... do book work!)
• PE teachers have the easiest sub plans.
• OJHS air brushes their faculty pictures... that isn't so everywhere else.
• OJHS's tardy policy is amazing.
• Having a small faculty means a small school... but it also means that you know the entire faculty.
• OJHS is the best.

Sometimes I like Alabama... sometimes I don't

This evening or I guess yesterday evening was a hard one and I think I sometimes like to blame Alabama whenever I am having a hard time. The move here was filled with so many changes... sudden changes... that sometimes I just want to cry and a lot of times I do. Tonight I woke up in the middle of the night (as I often do since being pregnant), but this time I couldn't fall back to sleep. I laid in bed thinking and praying and I just don't think I am going to be able to fall back asleep until I write down some of my thoughts.

There are a lot of differences and changes in moving to a new place, but I think the biggest difference is I feel lonely here. Allen is gone the majority of the day and I am often here by myself. I lived in Utah for 8 years and built a lot of relationships. I think I forget that it was hard at the beginning. I just remember what it was like at the end. Good ward... good friends... good job....

We were happy to move into a family ward, but sometimes I miss my young student ward. We lived so close together. You could always go out and visit someone. There was a comradely where everyone looked out for everyone. We made some amazing lifelong friends in that ward... the Lasts, the Nelsons, the Freestones, the Nichols, the Lewis'... Here I feel like the new girl in town (oh wait... I am :). I get serious social anxiety being with people I don't know very well. I feel like everyone has clicks and I am just outside looking in. I guess I just thought that I would have the same kind of relationships I had in Utah but I forgot that even those take time.

I think the biggest change in moving to Alabama is I am not teaching. I miss teaching so much. It became a huge part of who I am. My dad told me that I should have taught Elementary school because those kids are nice. Well sometimes junior high kids have their mean moments, but most of them are so cute and nice. I miss having them come in and say hi in the morning. I miss their updates on crushes and sports and activities. I miss seeing them come into my classroom. I miss having them make me laugh and cry (in a good way... although there were plenty of times I cried in the bad way too.) I miss teaching them and seeing them succeed. I miss seeing them proud of themselves when they did their best.

I miss teaching with these two ladies. Allison's husband used to say, "how can your job be hard... you get to teach with your best friends everyday?" It is true. They made teaching better. We talked, we chatted, we planned, we moaned, we rejoiced together. Besides Allen, these two lovely ladies knew me better than anyone else the last few years. I miss those close relationships. Luckily they sent me their school pictures so they are on my fridge and both Allen and I get to think about them every time we get something from the fridge.

I miss deb and Kath, and Camille. Below was my OJHS family. They watched out for me... we watched out for each other. Kathe was our little mother that checked in on me and made sure I was okay and was willing to do whatever if I wasn't. It is nice to have such good friends.

I miss Katie. She moved to back to Utah a couple of months before I left. It was so nice to have a best friend living so close. We understand each other. We help each other. We encourage each other to be better. It is just wonderful to have a friend that is like family.

Well... enough of the pity party. As I laid in bed... This is what I really wanted to share. I thought of some talks I have been reading: "Finding Joy in the Journey" by president Monson that you can find here and "None were with him" by Elder Holland that you can find here. These are beautiful talks that give me hope and encouragement. I know that no matter what I am never alone. I love the song "You're not alone." Yes it is cheesy, but so true. The Savior walked the loneliest road so I don't have to. He is with me always and that is what is important. And although moving here has been filled with so many changes, I can still find joy in the journey. President Monson quotes professor Harold Hill from the Music Man, “You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you’ve collected a lot of empty yesterdays.” I need to stop wallowing in self pity and enjoy what I have going here. We truly are blessed being here... I just forget when I have a bad day. As I was awake, I thought of the movie Pollyanna and the glad game. I thought I better play the glad game here... Count my Blessings...

• Sabey Baby is coming so soon. I am just about 35 weeks. I don't know if I am ready, but I am so excited. We have waited a long time to be blessed with a little one. And I get to be a teacher and fulfill the most important calling I will ever have.
• Strengthening our marriage... I think moving away and going through changes and challenges has helped us grow closer together. I have Allen... and when I think about that I never feel lonely.
• I am glad I get to tutor which means I still get to teach and stay at home with our Sabey Baby.
• See the post below... I live 5 hours away from my sister Julee.
• When I taught I was often preoccupied in the evening. Now Allen is really good at getting most of his work done during the day and I am not busy in the evenings, so we actually spend more quality time together than we did in Utah.
• We have a great ward with a lot of young families.
• I get the opportunity to be stretched and get past my social anxiety as I get to know others.
• The last month has been really difficult pregnancy wise... so it is a blessing that I haven't been working so I can rest when I need it.
• I am developing talents that I never had time to do before
• When I taught I always had the struggle of being a good teacher and being a good wife. It was hard to find a balance. But now I feel good doing what I know is most important.
• Missionary work! There are opportunities to share the gospel. We have a friend that has been going to an institute class that we attend and we have had some amazing gospel discussions.
• Football... although I love BYU, it is nice to cheer for a ranked team when BYU is not doing so well.
• Allen loves his program and that is why we are here.
• Spiritual growth... it is good to be stretched and challenged and grow through the help of our Savior.
• Keeping the friends I have and making new ones.
• Visitors.... Julee came, my parents are coming, Allen's mom is coming, Katie is planning a trip out here... all within the next 6 months
• Things that seem like a big deal at the time, make me laugh later... like the fact that I sobbed and made a fool of myself in front of a cop today. It wasn't funny at the time, but it sure makes me laugh now.
• Blue Bell Ice Cream!
• The Gospel... No matter what happens, I have the gospel in my life. I understand where I came from, why I am here, and where I want to go. I know I have been sealed in the temple to my family and that we can be together forever in the presence of our Heavenly Father. No matter the earthly challenges, I need to keep the eternal perspective.

WOW... If you have read this, you are probably a little bored. I am sorry this is so long and serious. It was mostly for me. Hopefully I can go back to sleep now. If you did read this... you can play the glad game too... What are you glad about?

Five Hours

What takes five hours? Well lots of things but for me right now it takes five hours to for me to drive to Nashville and for Julee to drive to Auburn. The last couple of weeks I had the opportunity to visit Julee while Allen was at a conference and Julee came down here during the kiddos fall break. It is great to live close to family...at least relatively.

Here is Isaac wearing some awesome goggles after we went swimming.

The kiddos and Uncle Allen

The spaceship at Hickory Dickory Park.

Auburn Stadium

After our picnic on campus

Saying goodbye is hard to do.

And a live concert in Nashville. What else would we do in Nashville?

I love family. I love living so close to one of my sisters.

I choose teenagers

What words do you associate with the word teenager? By the reaction I get when I say that I teach junior high I have a feeling that a lot of negative words come to mind. When I say I teach/taught junior high these are common phrases...

"Oh bless your heart."

"Oh you are so brave."

"That is a hard age group."

And the list could go on and on. Yes it is true... it is a hard age group, but I love them and I chose them. It was the perfect fit for me. Yes, they are awkward, and sometimes cruel, but they are so impressionable and cute at the same time. Oh I just love them and miss them and they make me laugh. They also give me strength. One of my favorite, most memorable lessons I ever taught was a lesson about Sacajawea. I had the students get in a circle and we discussed the difficulties that Sacajawea had to deal with in her life. We then went around in a circle and one by one shared something that was difficult in their life. They shared, they were mature, they were so wise. Sometimes teenagers get a bad reputation, but they are good and they are strong. This evening I have been reading notes left by many of my students on facebook to our little one who passed away. They have such hope. They have courage and faith and love. Yes I chose teenagers and I choose teenagers.

OJHS I Love You

As a teacher I saw some of my students struggle with things that I wish they didn't have to struggle with. Some of them developed eating disorders, some of them have really awful lives at home, some of them have had parents and siblings pass away. Junior High life is difficult enough without these big struggles that adults have trouble dealing with. Yesterday a tragedy occurred that will affect all of the students at OJHS. A student was killed by another student driving a car. You can read and watch the news here. I didn't know the driver, but I coached Maddi in track and she was such a cutie. She was so happy and so helpful. She was one of those students that I loved to be around and hoped that our little one would be like. Oh those poor kids at OJHS that might not have an understanding of the Plan of Salvation. Oh those poor kids who know both the parties involved. Oh those poor kids who were at the bus stop and saw it happen. How do you teach them to love and miss Madi, but still forgive and have compassion on the driver? Oh the poor driver whose life is changed forever by one mistake. Sometimes I just wonder why these little ones have to have so much to bear?

I love all my students at OJHS. I miss them so much. I wish I could just be there with them right now so we could hold each other and cry together. I am so proud of them for rallying together. Today they are all wearing pink in honor of Maddi. They are so strong. I love them. I miss them. I mourn with them.

The Set Up

Well we found out that beside a bike getting stolen, we have also had a few packages stolen. Apparently UPS and FedEx just leave packages on doorsteps when you aren't home and down here in the deep south that means if there is a package at a door step someone else can take it. I try to joke about it, but I feel so violated. I feel so unsafe. I keep telling Allen that maybe we should move, but he reminds me that it will probably be the same anywhere we move... at least anywhere that has the same rent that we pay. So Allen thinks we should set the thief up. We should put a package out on our door step... a package that has a tracking device... and then install some cameras out side so we can have a video of the theft. What do you think... is it a good idea? I just don't understand why people steal. I think I am more upset about the packages then I am about the bike. When you move to a new place and you are all alone, a package from an old friend just makes you feel loved. Now I don't know what was in them, I don't get that feeling, and I wonder if I am really safe.

Trials and General Conference

Trials... I know that trials are necessary for us to return to God, but sometimes they seem so heavy to bear... A couple in our ward just lost their sweet 21 month old little girl. My best friend lost her husband in a car accident after only being married a year. My dear friend lost her sweet Grammy to the battle of breast cancer. We know numerous couples that want so badly to have children but struggle with infertility. Some friends of ours gave birth to premature twins only to lose them shortly after they were born. We have friends who struggle financially. There are so many trials that we face here on this earth. My heart aches for these dear friends. We pray for them each daily. Sometimes I want so badly to do more, but I don't know what to do... This weekend as I listened to general conference, I had a few thoughts. This past week Allen observed therapy of a couple that is having quite a few struggles. As he watched this couple talk about their difficulties he felt for each of them. It turns out the husband is in Allen's class that he TA's for and Allen later administered a test to the husband. The husband didn't know that Allen had observed his therapy session and he said if he hadn't seen the therapy and he would have just met the husband he would have thought that he had everything going for him. He would have never guessed that his marriage was on the rocks. I realized that so many of us have struggles and trials that are hidden. We may not know what is really happening with our neighbors or ward members. Even those with evident trials like our friends above, we may see them at church and they appear to be doing well and we let them be. As I listened to President Uchtdorf, I realized I cannot do this. He said, that we need to focus on those things that matter most and that includes relationships with our fellowmen. The only problem is I don't always know how to do this. I get self conscious and think, what can I do to help? Maybe they don't want me to help. But I think most of us need a friend no matter if we are struggling with a trial at the moment or not. That is one thing I walked away from conference is I want to be a better friend.

I also loved President Monson's talk. There is so much to be grateful for. I am amazed and in awe of the friends mentioned above. Each of them have such faith and courage even amidst their difficult trials. My best friend once said, I could mope around and be depressed and I would totally be justified... but my husband doesn't want me to be sad and our Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be sad... "Men are that they might have joy." Each of these friends above are my example. I love each of them and am so grateful for them. They have something that is so precious taken away from them, but they still count their blessings. I want to have an attitude of gratitude like President Monson talked about.. an attitude that each of these friends emulate daily.

There are many more thoughts I have from conference, but this is the last I will share. I am so grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ. I love the promise found in Matthew 11 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. I know that amidst trials and at all times The Savior is holding our hand giving us strength to bear whatever it is we are asked to bear.

At the beautiful funeral of our little 21 month old friend, the song "I know that my Redeemer Lives" was sung. Some words from the song... (Not in order of the song)

I know that my Redeemer lives!

What comfort this sweet sentence gives!

He lives to comfort me when faint;

He lives to wipe away my tears;

He lives to calm my troubled heart;

He lives to bless me with his love;

He lives to plead for me above;

He lives, and I shall conquer death;

He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly friend;

He lives and loves me to the end;

What joy this blest assurance gives:

I know that my Redeemer lives!

I know those words are true. I know that He lives and that because he was resurrected, we too will be resurrected. I know that our friends who have lost someone so dear will see them again. There is so much to be grateful for. I love general conference. I love the spiritual rejuvenation I feel from listening to the Lord's Prophet on the earth today. I know that each of us struggle, but the Savior is holding our hand.

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